this guy  is at Costco's cafeteria having lunch, and he is having a conversation about  his shoulder been in pain and that he has to go visit his doctor for a check up. another guy sitting behind him overhears this conversation and approaches him to let him know that he does not need to see a doctor and that costco has just  installed a machine that could tell him whats wrong for only 10 dollars. all he needed to do is pour some pee/urine  sample into a cup and put it in the machine and in a few seconds the machine will tell him exactly what is wrong. this guy couldn't wait to try this wonder machine and does exactly what was recommended to him. in afew seconds the machine prints out a report that says you have nothing to worry about, it is just  athletes shoulder, rest your arm and keep in warm water for a week or until better. the guy was shocked about how smart this machine was  but he  wonder how to defeat this machine so he goes home and gets a cup pours some tap water in it, some pee from his wife, some from his daughter, also his dog then he wacks off for good measurements and pours some in too, he then rushes  back to costcos very excited expecting to fool the machine. he pour the content into the machine and in a few seconds the machine prints out the following. your tap water is hard, get a filter aisle 3, your daughter has a cocaine habit get her to rehab, your dog has mange check aisle 5, your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours,get a lawyer. and for you, if you don't stop wacking off your arm will never get better, good bye and visit us again.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.  At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.  He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.  The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services, 911, He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."  There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.  Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Two hikers are out hiking.  All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.  They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.  The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.  The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"  The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it."  The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?  The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"